Basically mein kampf of the last week or so.
Mainly: do I deserve to be happy? When there’s so much negativity out there in the world, so many people struggling just to get by, am I allowed to be happy? Does that make me a bad person if I am? But here’s the doosy that kept me awake: Am I worthy of the happiness God gives me?
Let’s go vague and say you’re given a great opportunity (anything, anytime, anywhere) and it could be the key to your happiness for some time. It brings a smile to your face just thinking about your future. You just want to sing and dance…and be happy.
Not generalizing for the whole world here but I’d say the majority of people would take it. What do I do? I convince myself NOT to because I don’t think I deserve to be that happy (and if you’ve ever tried to convince yourself to not be happy…you know it’s brutal). That level of happiness should be saved for two types of people: 1) People who are so down on their luck that they need something, anything, just to make it through the day or 2) People who know what’s what in their lives.
I feel fairly average in current circumstance so I’m not Type 1 and I definitely do not know what’s what in my life yet so I’m not Type 2.
So why would God give me happiness at all?
It wasn’t until Sunday morning that I decided…I didn’t care why God has given this to me. I don’t care if I do or don’t deserve it. If it’s just some kind of test to see how I handle happiness being taken away, okay then. I’m going to embrace it. Feel like dancing? I’m going to dance. Feel like smiling that stupid awkward side smile? Fine. Smile.
I can’t believe it took me a whole week to figure that out (when in reality I figured nothing out). But I’ve been sleeping and eating properly again. I’m still confused but not to the point where I’m agonizing over it anymore.
Simple victories man, simple victories.
Have a happy week!
(P.S. This is seriously how my mind works…feel free to psychoanalyze me and let me know if I’m psychotic.)