Over the weekend V and I went to brunch and I started yammering on about the various stages of life my friends were in.
Some are moving or have moved far away. Some have just gotten married or have moved in with their #1. Some are in graduate school or graduating from graduate school. Some are working. All, I hope, are living their dreams.
But as I was going on and on about a few people in particular I know that are just floating around with no direction, V quipped that I don’t know what I’m doing either.
Ouch. Did you have to hurt my ego over brunch, my favorite and most beloved meal of the weekend?
But, I guess if we’re being honest, I don’t know what I’m doing. I kind of know lots of things I’m interested in (like searching cat pictures, eating Goldfish crackers, and watching YouTube videos) but not one particular thing I’m “called” to do. One thing I’m passionate about above all the rest. (If I had to pick one thing it would probably be cats).
Which actually tied nicely into an e-mail conversation I was having with a friend. She was questioning why she even started studying sciences when her most favorite class in college was literature. Was she just not a passionate person? Am I not a passionate person either because I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life?
I try, internet, I really do. I read self-help books and ponder where my life is going a lot. But unlike my boyfriend who has defined a clear path for himself all the way to evil-empire running billionaire, my path is moss covered and has lots of twists and turns. I don’t know what the end-game is so I can’t see it. I just try to keep moving forward so I don’t stagnate. It would be the worst to now know what I’m doing…and to not even try to figure it out.
Almost 10 years ago I made a mind map of all the things I’m interested in. Even the silly things. I continue to add to it and I continue to try things out I’ve put on the list (photography, for example) because you never know…one of those things could be the one I do for the rest of my life. Or maybe I’m not meant to do just one thing. Maybe I do 20 and create something new for myself. Who says you have to be just a marketer or just a doctor or just a street sweeper?
It’s hard to admit I’m lost when it seems like everyone else is not. It’s like when you’re in class and everyone else catches on to the subject matter expect you so you become afraid to raise your hand and ask questions for fear of looking stupid.
But I’m slowly learning it’s okay to be lost as long as you’re looking for a way out. I’m no better or worse off than the next person. And I’m not more or less confused and lost than them. Our lives are just different.
Like Tuck said to Winnie: “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an un-lived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”
